Empty Inside
We had our ultrasound Friday morning and while my uterus was large and there was an egg sac -there was no baby. I have an anembryonic pregnancy (or blighted ovum) and it basically means I’ve miscarried.
You can Google it if you want. Basically, we conceived but the embryo in the fertilized egg stopped growing at some point and was reabsorbed very early (possibly even before we knew we were pregnant). It’s actually considered “common” and it is usually caused by several chromosomal abnormalities and the body knows it won’t produce a healthy baby in 9 months and naturally reabsorbs the tissue. It typically isn’t caught until between weeks 8 and 13 – we are in week 12. And my body continues to think there’s an embryo there because there’s still the placental tissue that is requiring nutrients from my body and producing the pregnancy hormones – which is why all our tests come back positive and I still am experiencing the symptoms of pregnancy. I never had any indication that something was wrong, and still don’t except for seeing my empty uterus during the ultrasound. Eventually my body will go through the process of miscarriage. But I also have the options to take medication to speed along the process, or undergo an invasive procedure.
One thing the doctor was very clear on is that anembryonic pregnancies happen by chance and that it does not make me at risk for miscarriages in future pregnancies or for it to happen again for any other reason than by chance. So we feel thankful for a silver lining like that. But it’s also hard to feel thankful.
Miles and I just came home and cried and prayed a lot. I don’t know if I’ll stop crying. Right now, it comes and goes and I’m glad it’s the weekend and don’t have any commitments. We feel very sad – the amount of my tears is not proportionate to the sadness I feel. And I want those tears to take some of the sadness away.
Though we won’t this summer, we hope to be blessed with children soon.
You can read Miles’s thoughts on his post, Godspeed, Our Sweet Angel on his blog.
I know words of comfort are sometimes hard to come up with. We just ask that you pray for all families – those who have experienced loss in any way and for those who haven’t yet. If you want to comment just to let us know you’re thinking of us, you don’t have to say anything. Or maybe you could post a Bible verse or something else that brings you comfort.
December 7th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
[...] can read Holli’s thoughts at her Empty Inside post on [...]
December 7th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Holli & Miles,
A lot of people are praying for you both. There’s so much pain in the world, (as you two are hyper-aware of right now) and I am glad you seem to take some comfort in knowing your baby’s in a place of ultimate peace & safety.
Wishing your family healing.
December 8th, 2008 at 12:07 am
We are praying for the both of you. It’s very hard with the news and having to deal with the way your body still feels. I know this is extremely tough. But we all love you and will listen at anytime you need us. Also know it is okay to feel the way you are feeling. My sister lost 2 children at 12 weeks of pregnancy and my brother lost his Payton at 8.5 months of pregnancy and some people expect you to recover quickly. It is not a quick process. We feel blessed to know the both of you and are so proud of you. God will see you through this and someday you will truly know the reason, but maybe not on this side of heaven. Love,
Michele, Don, Derek, Drew, and Tarah
December 8th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Holli and Miles,
I don’t have any idea what it must be like for you. My heartbreak at hearing this news is only a fraction of how you must feel. Be comforted in knowing that God knows your every need and will be there every step of the way. I love you both and will be praying for you.
December 8th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Holli and Miles,
I’m so sorry for your loss. Just wanted you to know I’ll be praying for you both. I know how you might be feeling because I had two miscarriages between #1 kid and #2 kid. It’s heartbreaking. But God knows how we are feeling and gives us friends, family, strength, courage and faith.
“I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.” Jeremiah 31:13
December 8th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
Love you
December 10th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Dear Miles & Holli,
We cannot know the depths of your sorrow & pain right now.
We can only compare the feeling of emptiness & loss.
Tina would not be if our first child had lived,& Maria would not be here if the child before her had lived–Can you Imagine Life Without Maria?? Or Tina? (We have 4 children between Tina & Maria)I had a hormonal problem,that was not understood “in those days” which eventually contributed to the breast cancer.
I have a friend that had a similar pregnancy to yours. It’s the only one I’ve ever heard of, so trust your doctor.
Feel the anger & disappointment, sorrow & loss. God will help you through it. We are here for you. All our love & prayers,Paul,Liane & family
December 11th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
God is on your side always. Hang in there!
December 12th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Holli and Miles,
I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts are with you both.
The March of Dimes has created a tender and helpful bereavement kit for people who have suffered the loss of a baby. This free kit is available for anyone who asks. If you would like to read about it and maybe request one, please go to this link: http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/572_15999.asp.
I wish you peace during this dificult time.